Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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