Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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