who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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