I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
