hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
