Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
