Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
