Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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