i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
