i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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