my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
