the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I smell stomach acid.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
