accomplished twins. life is a go
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
