My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
