guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
