Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's shark week go big or go home
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
