I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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