mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
