I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
