alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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