I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
