I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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