I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize