it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
