smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You coming home soon, man?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?