I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..