i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.