distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.