i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
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