i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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