when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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