Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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