Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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