Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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