there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
