i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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