shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
