you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
