Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
