don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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