you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
