i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize