last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
