Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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