threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
