I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
