I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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