she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
