Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
