ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
