I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
