i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
