it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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