I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
