She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
