I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
