he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
