i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
