I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
