I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
