I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
