You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
His nipple licking is glorious
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
