She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
